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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Oh, what the...

Considering how many movies I see, there is usually at least one scene in them that make me say “what the fuck!” or “what the fuck?” or “what the fuck?!” or “OH, WHAT THE FUCK!” Either the scene is amazing and I’m honestly trying to figure out if I really did just see that or the scene is absolute garbage and I’m wondering how the hell that is even possible to do. Some of these scenes, like Amy Smart ripping her own jaw off in Mirrors get me all excited and I say “awh, what the fuck, that’s fucking sweet” but then the rest of the movie I’m just kinda like “really? I just witnessed a woman rip her jaw of and everything around it is just eh!” Those movies won’t make this list. The movies on this list on the other hand are movies that I like and have no problems with at all. Some of them, the entire movie I’m going “what the fuck” but in a good way, while other’s I’m being entertained and all of a sudden…”what the fuck!” PS…Spoilers…

Please Keep All Hands, Feet, and Other Parts of Your Body Inside the Vehicle at All Times…
10. 11:14 I really liked the way this movie was put together, it had a great concept. Plenty of moments where you are being thrown different pieces of information that ultimately lead you to this one event happening at, 11:14, awh shit! During one of the segments though, a group of guys are in a van driving around causing trouble when…well I found the description on Wikipedia because I’m a little to lazy to write it and I kinda forgot a little what led up to the moment, but all I remember is the kid from Flash Forward (some show I used to watch as a kid on the Disney channel) got his dick cut off because he was pissing out a window and the window slammed shut on it!

Teenagers Tim (Stark Sands), Mark (Colin Hanks) and Eddie (Ben Foster) are driving around causing trouble by throwing things out of the windows of Mark's van, including a book they have set on fire. Mark, distracted by Eddie peeing out the van's window, hits and kills Cheri, who was crossing the road. They stop, but flee the scene when Duffy comes toward the van with a gun. As Duffy fires on the retreating van, Tim realizes that the accident also caused the van's window to snap shut, cutting Eddie's penis off. Tim insists that Mark stop, and Tim goes back to find it. Tim is accosted by the paramedics, Leon (Jason Segel) and Kevin (Rick Gomez) at the scene, but manages to escape and get the severed penis back to Eddie.



Don’t Drink the Water…

9. Cabin Fever See people, water is not that great for you! Especially if some hermit is infected with a flesh eating bacteria, you and your friends light him on fire, and he ends up falling the water supply, the same water supply that has a pipe that runs to the cabin you’re renting, the same water you use to drink, take showers in, and brush your teeth! Eli Roth has a sick mind, but he can do no wrong in my book. I read an interview that he wrote Cabin Fever based off his own experience. Obviously what happened to him wasn’t as bad as what happened in this movie, but I’d never seen anything like this before. I didn’t even know that flesh eating bacteria’s existed till I saw this movie. So, getting to watch Jordan Ladd deteriorate in front of my eyes was painful. Poor girl, and poor guy too, who knew Cory’s best friend from Boy Meets World be in a movie where he trying to get some alone time with his crush and ends up having to kill her, getting the flesh eating shit any way, and deals with a kid who can only yell “PANCAKES!” Again I saw Eli Roth is very creative when it comes to how people suffer and die in his movies.


Tylenol is to Headache as Anal is to…

8. Zach and Miri Make A Porno Fill in the blank kids. I remember these from my SAT’s, to bad this one couldn’t be on there, I wonder how many people would get it right. So, have you gotten it yet? Well, the answer is constipation. And if you have it, a little anal can clear it right up. Good for Katie Morgan, bad for Jeff Anderson. PS…totally called it, just didn’t expect to see it happen to Randal.


An Ode to Tarantinos’ Ball’s…

7. Grindhouse Planet Terror Grindhouse is my third favorite movie of all-time! The fact that four of my favorite director’s are involved in one movie makes me squee (not sure if that is a good word or even a word at all). It would have been another topping on ice cream cone if Kevin Smith had been involved too. Any way, the Robert Rodriguez portion of this double feature probably has the most “what the fuck” moments for me in them (not saying Deathproof doesn’t, but to me Deathproof is nothing but those moments, because it amazes me every time I see it, it’s just too fucking good in my eyes) and the one the stood out amongst the go-go dance’s machine gun leg, the guy from Lost having a fascination with cutting guy’s balls off, and even that whole puss break shit, was Tarantino, a total bad ass, having his balls fall off. And they don’t even just fall off, no they like puss up, burst, ooze, drip, ultimately turning the man himself into this walking, talking blistery looking thing that ends up turning his ass inside out and puking it out onto the floor. I can I hear a “what the fuck!”


No Longer A Man of God…

6. Dead Alive Well that would be because he is no longer a man at all. Peter Jackson created this gem. Yes, the same Peter Jackson who brought us the Lord of the Rings, the Return of the Kings 20 some odd endings, and the King Kong remake the tried to make Jack Black somewhat serious. Possibly one of the best zombies I’ve seen, this movie oozes with moment’s that really do make you say “what the fuck.” And it’s funny too, cheezy in it’s on way, but still really funny. But the one scene I can’t get out of head after seeing it was the priest having sex with one of the other zombies. Don’t worry though, the priest was already a zombie at this point, but still it was disturbing to watch, funny, but disturbing.


One Word…Kakihara…

5. Ichi the Killer It was hard for me to watch this movie, first I watched it with subtitles on, but found it hard to read everything that was going, keep up with the story, and still get to see all these bad ass ways people were being killed. So then I went against my better judgment and put on the dubbed version, where is sounded like Kakihara was being voiced by Clive Owen, which was cool, because I like Clive Owen, but I still liked it (even though I knew what I was being told wasn’t exactly what was being said if I could understand Japanese). Any way, Kakihara is bad ass, and he has such a presence when he is on screen I was always kept wondering “what the fuck is man going to next?” He’s insane and he’s not even the main character. I don’t even knowhow to explain this, but if you look at a picture of him, you see these scars on the sides of his mouth, well, there not just scars, no if he takes out the pins holding the scars his mouth looks like an anacondas ready swallow a person. Not just the way he looks, but some of the shit he gets into and does is out there. I really need to watch this movie again.


The Amount of Penis in this Movie and a dictionary example of what karma is…

4. Cannibal Holocaust I thought this would be higher up on my list, but then I had to really look at the other movie’s and realized that compared to the scenes I plan to talk about, I’d say this isn’t as bad as it seems. So to the first part, the penis, there is a lot of it in this movie. Don’t get penis shots like this now, so ladies take it in. Only reason why I mention it though is because of the circumstances it is seen. Not like Jason Segel’s penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, no like dude is gonna get his penis cut off and then the rest of him his going to be ripped a part and eating because he was some dumb ass American douche bag. Which leads me to the next part, how sweet karma really is. The first half of this movie, we have a group of people trying to locate what happened to the crew of documentarians’ that have gone missing. When you find out what happened to them, your kinda thinking it’s awful, but then the second half the movie, your watching the film that was found, and you find out that these people got what they deserved! The what the fuck moment comes around during the second half, actually no, everything you watch in the second half is basically a big “what the fuck!”


Uncomfortable Maybe…

3. Re-Animator I couldn’t really think of anything to name this one, I was gonna go for “sexual favors from a head” but then thought it’s not really sexual favors, more like some guys sick fantasy and it just being he sicker because he is using his head to do it. Note that the guys head has been separated from it’s body, so it’s just the head doing this shit.


This Shit Ain’t TiVo…

2. Funny Games Ok, I literally yelled “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” in the theatre when I saw this movie. One minute one of the kids who is torturing this family actually gets what’s coming to him. Way to go Naomi Watts, that what I’m talking bout, finally, vendica…wait…what the hell just happened? Oh yeah, apparently the other mother fucker doing this shit can rewind what just happened. So yeah, the kid never get’s shot. Seriously? Seriously! Oh I was pissed, but I still liked the movie.


Ass to Ass and the Arm…

1. Requiem for a Dream I was mad at my self after watching this movie to have waited so long to watch it. I could really get into how amazing the film was and why, but I won’t, because if you have seen it, you know just how great it is, and the word “great” doesn’t even cover it! But it seems like every time I talk about this movie, I always start it off with “Jennifer Connelly went ass to ass!”, then I go into what happened to Jared Leto’s arm, and then that’s when I can actually get into discussing the rise and fall of the characters and how amazing the movie was. Even the arm and the whole ass to ass thing can’t define this movie, but they definitely are scenes that make your jaw drop and wonder.

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